As I reflect on 2011, I remember that it, and the past few years should have been some of the happiest years of my life, but they have been some of the hardest and saddest I have ever experienced. I am very hopeful that 2012 will bring back the joy and happiness I have been so desperate for and that I am reminded how great life can be with my wonderful family of boys. It has been a real struggle for all of us and I hope that by typing these words and seeing them in black and white, I am able to let go and move on in 2012.
In 2006, when I was pregnant with Jackson, my doctor discovered some irregularities with my thyroid. I was sent to a specialist to have an ultrasound and the decision was made to monitor it every six months. That continued for the next few years. After I had Macklin in 2009 and returned to my doctor for my follow-up visit, it was determined that my thyroid was abnormally large and needed more in-depth tests. I was sent to see a different specialist who thought it was important to immediately remove my thyroid as it could be a more serious issue not easily detected with testing. The decision was made to have my thyroid removed and without going into too much detail, the next year to year and half were the most challenging I would experience in my life. I recall telling my doctor that I would rather experience natural childbirth in the desert than go through this hell again; it was a nightmare!
Now, I have tried to tell myself that the thyroid issue might not have been so bad were it not during a time in my life when my hormones were out of control. During these four years, I was pregnant for 20 months and the remaining 28 months I was navigating being a new mom, returning to a stressful job, moving into a new house, starting over in new job(s) that promised to be less stressful, but were anything but, and trying to be a supportive wife to a husband that had embarked on a new and very stressful career as a lawyer. I was navigating this new world with little outside help, had very few friends to lean on, and was careful not to let on that I was a mess. I never talked about my feelings (a problem I've always had) and would desperately try to convince myself that the blues would soon pass. It did not help that the visions I had of how life as a mom would be varied drastically from how it really was; it was exhausting, stressful, lonely, and down right miserable. I have never felt more alone and inept in my life. I cried 5 out of 7 days of the week and I just wanted to disappear. It did not help matters that during this time, I continued to see my friends have babies and seem completely put together and stress-free so I thought I was just not trying hard enough. It was taking a toll on me, was affecting my boys behavior, and my marriage.
What I know today, after a lot of crying, reading, yelling, researching, and some visits with a therapist is that I likely suffered from postpartum depression. The PPD was exasperated by my hypothyroidism (which also causes depression, forgetfulness, emotional instability, irritability, and a host of other mental effects I won't bore you with) and while I knew years ago I wasn't quiet myself, I never really thought it was PPD. I just thought I was tired, stressed and a little overwhelmed and that I would get through it somehow on my own. The problem was that the stress, loneliness and exhaustion never seemed to lighten up and the times I thought I had "fixed" the issues, I had only applied a band-aid that wouldn't last. So, the band-aid has been ripped off and at the end of 2011, I confront the depression head on and move forward.
My goal for 2012 is to let go of all the bad memories, all of the stress, all of the countless disappointments, all the broken promises of friends and family, all of the anger and frustration, all the mistakes, and focus on the new possibilities that come with a new year. I just finished "Down Came The Rain" which is Brooke Shields' book on her personal battle with PPD and it made me realize I shouldn't be embarrassed that I feel into the percentage of women that suffer from PPD. It's okay that I'm not perfect (those of you that really know me know that is hard for me to admit) and its okay that everything in my life not be perfect! I am hopeful that 2012 will be a better (and much healthier) year and that I am able to focus on the good that came out of 2011 and to let go of all the bad. After all, I have 2 of the most precious little boys in the world, my husband, and a new year full of promise. Pin It
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